This past year has been one of healing, sorrow, peace, comfort and heartache. As I have waded through the varied emotions that are part of the grieving process, I have been so grateful for the peace that has descended when I needed it most. For the wonderful family members and friends who reached out when I needed a hug, a smile, or a good cry. It has been yet another mountain that I’m still climbing, one step at a time as my heart heals. Words do not adequately explain how a mother’s heart feels as a child suffers, and then courageously faces death. There was peace in knowing that our oldest son was ready when he left this mortal realm. As he quietly slipped away, I was privileged to be there at his side. I was there when he entered this mortal world, and there when he left. I sensed so many things that night, but the item that brought the most comfort was the feeling of joy, and the thought, “Mom, I don’t hurt anymore.” In an interesting coincidence, for the first time in the forty plus years that I have lived in our small Idaho town, we witnessed the Northern Lights later that same night. Many in our family joked about a dance party in heaven, since our son loved music and enjoyed dancing.
Though I miss Kris every day, there have been times when it feels like he is close. Those sacred moments bring peace as I continue forward. One day, I felt drawn to the piano that sits in our living room. I haven’t played it much during the past 2=3 years. Most of that time was spent in the hospital with our son as he did daily battle with cancer. Endless treatments, horrid screams of pain, nausea beyond anything I have ever seen, rotate in my mind and heart. And a few weeks ago, on that day I felt drawn to the piano, I had been plagued with painful memories of how Kris suffered. So I sat down to the piano and began plunking out a song that sounded familiar. I was amazed when it all came back in a rush, but I couldn’t remember the words. So I dug through my piano bench until I found the notation book that contained what I needed.
I play musical instruments by ear, an ability I inherited from a great-grandmother who used to play for the dances in her small community. Most in our clan find that we can play musical instruments and pick out songs. It is a wonderful gift, and yet a handicap when it comes to reading actual music, or trying to write out the songs that we write. Someday people will look through my notation book and shake their heads because it makes no sense to anyone, but me.
That notation book contained the song I was seeking. I didn’t realize why until I reread the words I had written years ago, after an experience that took place in our small Idaho town. Once again, I was looking to the heavens for comfort and answers to a challenge that was taking place in our lives at the time. Troubled, I went out onto our front porch and sat down to listen to the night sounds, something that usually soothes my heart when I’m hurting. That night, as I sat quietly, I was amazed by all of the stars that were glittering in the night sky. It seemed filled with radiant stars, everywhere I looked. Then, without warning, clouds moved in and quickly covered every star. I was stunned by how fast they had all disappeared. As I sat in shock, the strong thought penetrated my heart, “Are the stars still there?”
As an English major in college, I was taught to look for symbolism in everything around me. The symbolism of the lesson I learned that night struck deep within. It stayed with me for days, inspiring me to compose a song about that experience. These are the lyrics:
Are the Stars Still There
Lyrics & music by Cheri J. Crane
1st verse: Dark were my thoughts, all around were storms of heartache & strife
All those tests that sometimes just go with life,
Mountains that seemed too steep to climb;
I walked outside, to clear my head and ask my Father, “Why?”
My inner peace had dissolved for a time,
Where was the faith that was mine?
Chorus:
Staring at the star-filled sky, my heart revealed its inner cry,
“Father, if You’re listening, help me know the reason why!”
A thousand tiny twinkling lights were covered, hidden from my sight,
Grey clouds veiling light that once had shone so bright,
Darkness seemed to fill the night as every star was veiled from sight,
Yet peace crept in my heart & comfort eased the black despair,
As the question came, “My child, my child, are the stars still there?”
2nd verse: And now when dark thoughts come, and some nights seem too long,
I remember the words of this song, when everything seems to go wrong.
The answer to my prayer, the night I struggled with despair,
The night my Father heard my silent prayer--
And reminded me, the stars are always there!
Chorus:
Our Father’s love is always there, through layers of grief & care,
Hope is shining brightly through the clouds of dark despair,
A thousand tiny twinkling lights were covered, hidden from my sight,
Grey clouds veiling light that once had shone so bright,
Tho’ darkness seems to fill the night, and every star is veiled from sight,
Peace & love seep through to ease the black despair,
Remember the question, “My child, are the stars still there?”
As I played through the song I had written years ago, I realized I needed that message now, more than ever. The stars are indeed still there. Life is eternal, and continues on after this life is through. How important our family ties are, and the knowledge that we can be together forever when this life is through. Until that time comes, it is important to continue forward, make good choices, and treasure each day, knowing it is a gift from our Father in heaven.
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